One of the most annoying things about living here is that we have ants that come in and scavenge the kitchen countertops for food. And, not only do they do this and force us to bag and twist-tie everything that they can get into but they also get in the back bathroom (the one in our bedroom). It’s absolutely crazy.

The most baffling phenomenon is “The Ant Graveyard” that has developed in the hall bathroom (the kids’ bathroom). You can go in there, at any given time, and see the carcasses of dozens of ants. Even more baffling is the one or two ants that roam around, aimlessly, picking up their dead friends’ bodies. Ant God only knows where and what they do with the empty shells of what they used to be?

Yeah. Ants. They are the suck.
Yeah. Ant Graveyard. It’s just a little freaky.

I made some popcorn for the kids while they watch their movie. I walk in to refill my big-big cup o’ water to see Mikey crushing the popcorn in his bowl with the end of his light sabre.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m making small popcorn!” ::smiles with pride::

“Dude, are you kidding me?”

If you could see me now you’d see me shaking my head in total, utter disbelief.

I had some stupid ideas when I was a kid. Like, hide-and-go-seek-in-the dark! Who’s the brainiac that came up with that one? I mean, come on, it’s pretty inevitable that someone’s gonna get hurt. I did once in my cousin Mike’s basement in South Buffalo and that ended with a trip to Our Lady Victory and stiches to the forehead. Or how about the time that Kelly Phillips and I decided to be cops and robbers and she had to chase me through my bedroom window. We got outside and then we couldn’t get back in. We rang the doorbell and I recall having my ass handed to me, in front of Kelly, for proposing such stupidity AND actually following through with it. Or how about the times (yes, times, plural) I used to pretend I was Wonder Woman and I’d climb up on the copper tube that extended from the hot water hearter, in the basement. Oh what a genius. Years later I told my dad and he almost choked me. Hey, or how about the time I decided to decontaminate the water jug from the fridge by filling it with soap and water and leaving it on the counter. I mean, that’s a disaster waiting to happen; like, your dad drinks it and chases you around a 1000 square foot house exclaiming, “I’m gonna get you, PICKU MATER”.

Seriously, where the fuck do kids get these ideas from?

“Man walk on road. Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk down middle, sooner or later, get squished, just like grape. Same here. You karate do “yes,” or karate do “no.” You karate do “guess so, squish”, just like grape. Understand?”