My Personal Mosaic of Feelings

October 28, 2009 - 19 Comments by Mishelle - Me, Myself, and I

I’m just not good enough. {There, I said it} I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, funny enough, happy enough, patient enough, loving enough, persistent enough, nothing enough.  I am just not good enough.  And this thought process hurts.   It hurts because normally I feel like I am the prettiest, skinniest, smartest, funniest, happiest, most patient and loving, persistent being in the universe.

Not today, though; today I feel like a failure. Today I look at other people and feel insane jealousy.  Today I look at my pictures and they look like shit.  Today I consider my health and feel hopeless.  As if I’ll never be neither physically nor mentally healthy.  Today I don’t even feel like I’m present.   Today I feel fat.  Today I feel like I could snap or cry at the drop of a hat. Today I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and just sleep.  Today I feel like there is this constant itch that I cannot reach to scratch.  Today I wonder if the itch will be relieved soon.  This is how a failure feels.

Why are our minds and hearts so easily subject to negative thoughts and feelings of failure? Maybe it’s just the rainy days that bring out these feelings?  Maybe the fog is just thick?  The good thing about inclement weather, though, is that the sun always finds a way of peeking through.

While I still feel all those negative feelings and emotions, I can also see the sun pouring in through the windows as hard as the rain was beating down on them yesterday.  The fog was thick, looking out, this morning, but the sun took care of that too.

I do believe that I am the best person I can be, I truly do. So I guess when the negative creeps I just have to hold on to that belief a little harder.

A good friend shared her motto with me yesterday.  That motto:

Anything that’s really worth it, isn’t easy.

Life.