Swimming in the Sea of Darkness and Light

October 13, 2009 - 5 Comments by Mishelle - Me, Myself, and I, Secret Agent Mama

The sand kicks up as I run down the beach; my toes dig in with each swift forward movement.  My head is up and I see the approaching water.  Without thought I abandon everything that I know and splash into lake.  My breath is taken away as my body is swallowed, whole, by the piercing water.  With a mild struggle I begin to shed the layers of clothing that I have amassed.  I am naked.

My eyes like saucers are wide and unforgiving.  My lips are pursed tightly as to not allow precious breath to escape.  My body is limp while my hair  performs an ethereal dance.  My soul is seemingly as heavy as my leaden body, falling into the abyss.  I am completely submerged.  Yet I am free.

I observe as bubbles rise to the surface.  A new feeling comes over me as I allow the darkness to take over.   I close my eyes.  I open my mouth as if to speak.  I fall into a state of unconsciousness. It is then that I dream.

I see myself in a flowing gown, with hair that cascades down my back, flawless skin, and a body so entirely perfect.  My thoughts are pure as I twirl; I am whole, with my head tilted back, and then I feel you take my hand.   You pull me to you and your lips graze my cheek.  Your words are whispers in my ear.  I listen with intent.  Together we are swept away into a euphoric state of being.

My desire to completely submerge myself is of no accident.   Disrobing and completely giving myself to the depths was my own all-knowing choice.  I did it so that I could feel.  Something.  Anything.  For when we remain stagnant we cannot grow.  The pain associated is inevitable and if welcomed it is completely manageable.   If welcomed the pain will force you to grow.

With you I feel stronger.  With you to take my hand I feel that even from the depths of the darkest, most unimaginable sea I can come back to the surface.  With your whispers–or even with your shouts–I confidently open my eyes.  With you I can breathe.  So I breathe.