2010 February | SECRET AGENT MAMA

Archive for Month: February, 2010

Different. Like Me!

February 17, 2010 - 14 Comments by Mishelle - Contests, Giveaways, and Reviews

A while back I wrote about experiencing high blood sugar symptoms. I wrote about how I heard my body whisper as if it were a maddening roar.

Yesterday I wrote, on Aiming Low, about my personal struggle with feeling like a “skinny girl” despite knowing that I am indeed not one.

Pictures don’t lie.

Neither do test results.

I have been on Metformin for almost 3 weeks now, despite adamantly not wanting to be, and while I still eat sugar, at times, I have been limiting it. I’ve also been watching what kind of carbohydrates I eat, save the occasional baked potato. I go back on March 1st to see what my new levels are. They are also going to test my thyroid.

Yesterday I got a pair of Earth® Exer-Walk™ sneakers. I will be wearing them daily, for one month, to see what kind of results I get, as part of the ‘Change Your Body in 30 Days’ challenge. I normally don’t wear shoes in the house, but I am going to wear these. I am also committing myself to 30 minutes of walking (if not more) and I also want to incorporate Wii Fit and/or Leslie Sansone’s Walk Away the Pounds. All while wearing my new kicks.

Small steps, they say.

I have to start somewhere. I’ve been at the starting gate before. I’m familiar with it.

And…I’m off!

[As part of the challenge I was provided with the Earth® Exer-Walk™ sneakers pictured above, but the opinions during the challenge--written posts and tweets on Twitter--are purely my own.]

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100 Blissful Memories {Part IV: Around the Hotel}

February 16, 2010 - 12 Comments by Mishelle - Blogging and Social Media

31) A Photographer’s Paradise: This was taken on Wednesday night, from Alli’s suite. I’d seen the beauty of the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, by simply walking to the concierge to check in, but when I looked out from the window and saw all the symmetry I was visually fulfilled!

32) While Walking With Casey: The atrium did nothing for my hair. But, at least there were orchids!

33) Visual Stimulation Abounds: Not only was there friends around ever corner, symmetry, and flowers, but there was architecture, too.

34) This May or May Not Have Been Her Room, Don’tchaknow: I don’t know if it was just one of Sarah Palin’s supporters, or if it was her room, but I surely could not pass up snapping this picture.

35) And Then Security Taps Your Shoulder: I snapped a few pictures of this area, and just as I was turning around to continue to where our morning meeting was, on Thursday, I was confronted by hotel security. Apparently, the United States Air Force was meeting in the Presidential Lobby and only those with clearance could take pictures. I said, “But I’m with the Blissdom Conference and my name is Secret Agent Mama. Surely I’m on a list!” (Ok, ok, I didn’t really say that.)

36) Benjamin Franklin: I heard he was kind of lascivious, but I was still happy to capture his image. You know? Since he’s dead and this is his dead ringer.

37) Whenever Possible, Reflect: It’s even more fun with friends!

38) Let’s Recap: We have friends around every corner, symmetry, flowers, architecture AND water fountains. There’s more, just you wait!

39) My Shoes on a Rock: Heather, Bridget, and I (see #37) took a little walk, through the atrium, on Thursday night. This was the last picture that filled my 16GB memory card.

40) Looking for Love in all the Right Places: I found this heart in the granite at the registration area. If that doesn’t give you an idea what Blissdom was all about, I don’t know what will.

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I Hate Being Fat

February 16, 2010 - No Comments (be the first!) by Mishelle - Me, Myself, and I

As a little girl, sitting at my desk in school was the worst. I was always self-conscious about any fat rolls showing to those sitting behind me. Standing was fine, but sitting? That was when I felt the worst about being “big boned.” The boy that I crushed hard on always sat behind me, too. It was slow torture.

Growing up, there was a Baba at church who used to say, in her broken English accent, “…You so pretty, only you gotta lose the weight.” That was a real self esteem builder. Lest I even mention how my own family would always compliment me and then back it up with something along the lines of, “If only you lost a little weight.”

Whenever the six week period of swim came around for P.E. I lived in a constant state of stress. All the other girls seemed to be so much smaller and so much more perfect. Me? I wasn’t small or perfect, and I hated how I looked in my bathing suit. Every week I hoped that someone else would be wearing a t-shirt, so that I could follow suit. I often wondered if I could tell my gym teacher that I had my period—for six straight weeks!

Then this one time, on the bus, I slapped a boy for making *boom-ba-da-boom-ba-da* sounds while I walked down the aisle to my seat. I can still feel the sting on my palm, and I can still see the hand print on his cheek, although he never made those sounds again, and we even talked about it at our 10 year reunion.

While looking at wedding dresses I was so bummed because the dress size I fit into was a size 22. I wasn’t a fucking size 22, I was an 18, dammit! I’d worked hard to not be a size 20, and now my wedding dress was a 22. I comforted myself with the fact that my fiancé was happy with the “meat on my bones.” The standing joke between my best friend and I was that, hey, at least my soon-to-be-husband liked fat chicks!

* * * *

I sound like a person with the lowest self-esteem in the world, right?

Wrong.

Contrarily, I am full of self-esteem.

Maybe because most of the time I think I’m skinny. Most of the time I don’t even realize that I’m carrying an extra hundred pounds on my 5’8″ body. And, despite all these negative vignettes (and there are tons more, I could go on and on and on) I have shared, I believe I am something I’m obviously not.

Last week, though, a bunch of pictures were posted on the Internet, for all to see, and I was slapped with the ugly truth about myself.

Something I’ve known for as long as I can remember.

Something that I often forget for some strange reason that drives me bat nuts fucking crazy.

Something that I need to change, and know I have the power to change.

Something that makes me feel like that little girl, sitting at her school desk, worried about how I look to those sitting behind me.

And it confounds me.

How can I be so self-confident AND self-loathing, at the same time?

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100 Blissful Memories {Part III}

February 15, 2010 - 8 Comments by Mishelle - Secret Agent Mama

21) Whenever Possible, Double Fist: Amanda and I caught a quiet moment, in the back of the Jack Daniels Saloon. We got to talk about her schedule, and how I thought she might need to screw the schedule and just sleep. We were having a great time talking, Bridget was even there, and then the band decided it was time to ruin our fun. The bleach smell was kind of killing us, anyway.

22) Double Fisting Re-visited: Later that night, after the Clever Girl’s Party, I ended up with my buds Rachel and Jim. Jim was a gentleman and bought us beer. Note: Rachel likes to Double Fist, too. Oh, and another note: I now like Corona with Lime. Yes, I’m late to the game, folks!

23) Balcony Follies: Arianne and some of her partners in crime, including Renee J. Ross, were up on that balcony. Good, old-fashioned, fun ensued. Calls to cell phones were made. Calls on cell phones were ignored. I somehow fit into the mix. The other goof-balls left the balcony, and the only one left was The. Gorgeous. Arianne. My friend, Arianne.

24) If being a groupie means I’m friends with her, then, dammit, slap me silly and call me a groupie: I fell in love with Jennifer at some restaurant in Nashville, after the mini-Blissdom in 2008. Her laugh, her smile, her eyes, her genuinity, they all drew me to her. Then in Asheville, NC we had a moment at a table, in the back of a dimly lit room. A moment that was filled with tears, understanding, and soul-sisterhood. I hope she knows how much of a friend I consider her. Wonder if I can get her to come to my “…ville” soon!

25) An Apple a Day: There’s something about Kat that allows me to take the coolest pictures of her. This time it was the Poken, the gorgeous ring, the black nail-polish, and the half-eaten apple. She’s so nom-able!

26) Sweet Like Honey From a Bee: There are people you meet that you are instantly drawn to. That’s Heather. I started writing for the Homeschool Post and that’s where we “met”. This blog conference was the second time I got to see her, and I had the exact same feelings. She exudes this warmth, and that’s what I love about this fellow home schooling mama.

27) Look. At. My. Eyes: I laughed so hard when Leisa showed me her eyes and what the Covergirl make up artist did to her. I wasn’t laughing at her, rather her reaction. Not at her eyes! The day before I snapped this picture—on Thursday—after the Photography Workshop, Leisa showed me this book that she worked on. I was moved to tears, and I was so thankful that she shared it with me. And now I’m sharing it with you.

28) Who Dat Harry: While I thought his opening “act” was a little over-the-top I was very excited to see and hear Harry, especially since the Superbowl was coming up and Harry is from New Orleans. I screamed “Who Dat!” and sang along to ever word of “When the Saints Go Marching In”. (And, he’s totally looking at my camera in this shot!)

29) Two Drinks for One Friend, Not Double-Fisted: The drinks being poured here by this sexy bartendress are Mojitos. The one on the left was mine. The one on the right was Lotus’. The toast was for our friend, Anissa, who was dearly, dearly missed.