Bewb Talk

When they were handing out the genetics for perky boobs I was last in line. Or not even in line. It’s true, I have the saggiest boobs on the planet. Then I went ahead and had not one, not two, not three, BUT four kids. All of which breastfed for some amount of time.  My boobs?  They suck. Pun intended.

I have tried to look on the bright side. I think to myself, when you cram your boobs in a nice bra, they are totally awesome. Nope. It doesn’t work. I still know that when they are free they can cause serious damage. Seriously. If they aren’t contained it could get really ugly up in here.

Michael in NOLAA few years back my husband took me to New Orleans, for the weekend, when we were visiting his father. We stayed in the cutest little French Quarter villa-type-thing. Outside our room there was this little ledge.

“Baby, how about you sit on that ledge and I’ll take your picture,” Michael said.

Sure, why not? Pictures were taken; he had his taken, too, and you can see that it was totally photo-op worthy. No problem, right?

WRONG. When I downloaded all the pictures I was mortified.

“MICHAEL!!!!! I NEED A BOOB JOB!” I screamed.

“What’s going on, Mishelle? Why are you screaming about a boob job?” he demanded.

“Look! Look at this picture you took of me! I have.. I have.. Oh my God… Look! I have….TORPEDO TITS!” I cried as I stomped to my room and threw out every single bad bra in my drawer.

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I really am jealous of you gals with perky boobs and nipples that look out and not down.

Oh, and, to add insult to injury: Why is it that when I lose any amount of weight it comes off my boobs first? Really, God, really? Like the sagging-National-Geographic-type-tatas wasn’t enough?

Yes, I’m really jealous of you gals with perky boobs and nipples that look out and not down. I’m also jealous of those of you with nice flat tummies. Jillian Michaels, I am talking to you, but I digress.

Honestly, I think I’ve come to terms with my [oranges in a knee high socks] boobs. I mean, I have a husband who likes to have sex with me (you saw the part about not one, not two, not three, BUT four kids?). I’ve got a great personality. I’m an artiste, if I do say so. I’m super fly. And have you seen my smile? Who cares about nipples pointing up and perky boobs and great elasticity?

That being said, I’m off to seduce my husband. I have my sexy bra on (yeah right–it’s the bra missing a wire on the left, with those thick maw-maw straps–real sexy) because we’ll probably end up in doggie-style and I don’t need no stinkin’ black eye before the week’s over. Bow Chicka Bow Wow.

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