My Personal Mosaic of Feelings

I’m just not good enough. {There, I said it} I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, funny enough, happy enough, patient enough, loving enough, persistent enough, nothing enough.  I am just not good enough.  And this thought process hurts.   It hurts because normally I feel like I am the prettiest, skinniest, smartest, funniest, happiest, most patient and loving, persistent being in the universe.

Not today, though; today I feel like a failure. Today I look at other people and feel insane jealousy.  Today I look at my pictures and they look like shit.  Today I consider my health and feel hopeless.  As if I’ll never be neither physically nor mentally healthy.  Today I don’t even feel like I’m present.   Today I feel fat.  Today I feel like I could snap or cry at the drop of a hat. Today I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and just sleep.  Today I feel like there is this constant itch that I cannot reach to scratch.  Today I wonder if the itch will be relieved soon.  This is how a failure feels.

Why are our minds and hearts so easily subject to negative thoughts and feelings of failure? Maybe it’s just the rainy days that bring out these feelings?  Maybe the fog is just thick?  The good thing about inclement weather, though, is that the sun always finds a way of peeking through.

While I still feel all those negative feelings and emotions, I can also see the sun pouring in through the windows as hard as the rain was beating down on them yesterday.  The fog was thick, looking out, this morning, but the sun took care of that too.

I do believe that I am the best person I can be, I truly do. So I guess when the negative creeps I just have to hold on to that belief a little harder.

A good friend shared her motto with me yesterday.  That motto:

Anything that’s really worth it, isn’t easy.



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19 Responses to “My Personal Mosaic of Feelings”
  1. 10.28.2009

    Hope you know I completely adore you just the way you are. You are one of the most genuine people I have had the pleasure of meeting this year and I am so enjoying getting to know you better through your wonderful contributions to Picture’s Story.

  2. 10.28.2009

    Thank you, Lu!! That means a lot to me. :)

  3. Aww, hugs! I love you just the way you are too!

    And as my mom said once, “Don’t be down on yourself; that’s stupid.” Bwahahaha!


  4. 10.28.2009

    I like that motto!
    What changed? Why do you feel this way, something must’ve triggered it?
    And btw, you’re awsum! Simply awsum, I’m in awe of the way you take photos and I look at mine and feel bored immediately!

  5. 10.28.2009

    She’s wise, your mom! I am being stupid, that’s a given. And I even know it. LOL

  6. 10.28.2009

    Just feeling icky lately. Happens once in a while. I promise, I’m good though.. Things always get dark before they get bright again, ya know?

  7. such a powerful post, Mishi. Thank you for always sharing your inner workings. You are an inspiration in every way.

  8. 10.28.2009

    I adore you.

  9. ((hugs))

  10. 10.28.2009

    You are one of my most favourites. Period.

  11. 10.29.2009

    You say it, we all feel it. That was a fantastic post, thank you.

  12. 10.29.2009

    I know this feeling. This too shall pass, my darling. I know you know that. Le sigh. Strange days indeed – most peculiar, mama. I’m hugging you. I think you’re a wonderful, wonderful lady. xox

  13. 10.29.2009

    I hope you do feel better today. I know that you are the most wonderful person I have a chance to meet. You are beautiful and kind. You are talent and a great artist. So you are the best You!

    Yes, we do feel down once in a while. Love the motto from your friend. :)

  14. Mishelle

    Thank you everyone! This was just about inner struggles. Ones I know we all have.


  15. This was really powerful and it hit a little too close for comfort. I hope you’re feeling better soon, back to yourself.

  16. 10.29.2009

    Thank you for posting this. You are amazing in all the ways you describe and more. But I understand. Today I felt like this. Exactly like this.

  17. 10.30.2009

    I know EXACTLY how you feel. many hugs. And I think you’re fantabulous just the way you are.

  18. Um…you indimidate the friggin bejesus out of me…in the BEST way. <3

  19. Of course, that would be “intimidate”…see? ;)

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