Searching For Steve

You know when you find that one specific kind of underwear that just fits your body perfectly? The one specific kind of underwear that you would gladly wear every day if it wasn’t for the, you know, stink factor. A couple years ago I found those very underwear. They were boyshorts and I had three designs—one purple and gray striped, one blue paisley, and one polka-dot.

I wore those underwear a lot, and all the washing began to take its toll.

Commence frantic search.

I searched, not knowing where they were originally from because I had purchased them at TJMaxx.

I called everyone I knew, with the same spiel, “If you see these Steve underwear, in extra large, you have to buy them for me!”

I posted on a bulletin board—that I was a part of—about it, asking dozens of women to keep their eyes peeled for Steve panties (and I preferred the boyshorts, but any would do).

I searched all of the major department stores, asking if they carried Steve underwear, to no avail.

I would do extensive internet searches. Surely someone online was as infatuated with these Steve underwear as I was.

Nothing. Zip. No undies for you.

In the meantime I would purchase other brands. Nothing ever came close to those Steve ones, though, and I continued to wear the ones I had.

Sadly, one ripped in the crotch, another ripped on the side, and while I contemplated sewing them I never quite got around to it.

I was left with one pair—the purple and gray striped ones—and I resigned myself to never finding any Steve to clothe my girly-bits with ever again.

Then one day, while at Kohl’s with Olivia (who knew my Steve plight all too well), she spotted a pair of panties that looked just like my favorite Steves.

“Mama, look! STEVE!”

“Oh my gosh! My Steves!” I exclaimed as I tore them from her little hands so that I might press them to my bosom like a long-lost lover.

Smiling, feeling fulfilled, I looked at the tag to be certain they were the ones I’d been searching for all this time.



Yes, it is apparent that I am a moron.


*In my defense a guy named Steve DID create the company, and the the name is derived from that. It just would have been helpful if I was asking everyone to look for ‘SAINT EVE’ and not Steve.

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