Posts Tagged: introspection

My Personal Mosaic of Feelings

I’m just not good enough. {There, I said it} I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, funny enough, happy enough, patient enough, loving enough, persistent enough, nothing enough.  I am just not good enough.  And this thought process hurts.   It hurts because normally I feel like I am the prettiest, skinniest, smartest, funniest, happiest, most patient and loving, persistent being in the universe.

Not today, though; today I feel like a failure. Today I look at other people and feel insane jealousy.  Today I look at my pictures and they look like shit.  Today I consider my health and feel hopeless.  As if I’ll never be neither physically nor mentally healthy.  Today I don’t even feel like I’m present.   Today I feel fat.  Today I feel like I could snap or cry at the drop of a hat. Today I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and just sleep.  Today I feel like there is this constant itch that I cannot reach to scratch.  Today I wonder if the itch will be relieved soon.  This is how a failure feels.

Why are our minds and hearts so easily subject to negative thoughts and feelings of failure? Maybe it’s just the rainy days that bring out these feelings?  Maybe the fog is just thick?  The good thing about inclement weather, though, is that the sun always finds a way of peeking through.

While I still feel all those negative feelings and emotions, I can also see the sun pouring in through the windows as hard as the rain was beating down on them yesterday.  The fog was thick, looking out, this morning, but the sun took care of that too.

I do believe that I am the best person I can be, I truly do. So I guess when the negative creeps I just have to hold on to that belief a little harder.

A good friend shared her motto with me yesterday.  That motto:

Anything that’s really worth it, isn’t easy.


The Bridge

The Bridge

i’ll never cross the bridge again, she said
as if it would be forever standing
she was off the path beyond it and there was no need

she was turning back towards home
home where all was hers; safe and warm
where the air was strange, chaotic, and full

that bridge always terrified her
being ill-fated and unstable
crossing it took something from her

it took her heart
and it twisted her guts
into a new version of herself

pondering, she sat with legs dangling freely
looking forward and still looking back
oddly, not knowing which way to go

then the reinforcements broke
falling was inevitable, this she knew
i will claw my way up, she said, and i will survive

she got a hold, she steadied, and she flew
taking off far from the broken bridge
in the direction of home

Meet Mishelle

Photo of Al by Betty in Vaginally Challenged ROYO at BlogHer09

Seventeen years.  That’s how long it’s been since I’ve been graduated from high school.   It’s been over twenty years since I was in the thick of those early high school years.  Those early years where you worry about who you are friends with,  or you worry about who likes you, or how you look, or if you are even good enough.

I tried not to let those worries over-take me, and more often than not they did not.   Instead of choosing who to befriend I decided that I would be friends with everyone.  I’d put my best foot forward and I’d talk to [you] even if you liked green and I hated green; being totally devoted to blue.  If you liked me despite my love of blue, great, that was your choice!  I’m also certain I worried how I looked but I’ve always had this weird thing where I think that I’m the skinniest girl in the whole wide world.  Like, seriously, at my heaviest weight I still thought I was a supermodel.    Confidence, or what have you, I guess?

Enter adulthood.  Enter marriage.  Enter motherhood.  Enter Oh-My-God-I’m-Thirty-Five-and-I-Have-Saggy-Boobs-and-I-am-Fifty-Pounds-Over-Weight-No-Scratch-That-It’s-More-Like-Sixty-But-Who-Cares-Because-I-Still-Am-a-Super-Model-Only-Holy-Moly-Why-Zits-Now!?!

I still feel like I’m that girl from high school that is wanting to be friends with everyone; even those who like green while I still hate green and am devoted to blue as ever before.

I still put my best foot forward, even if I might trip over some Thomas Trains or my own big feet or whatever other obstacle is in front of me.

I still feel like the skinniest girl in the world, and if you don’t see me that way well you must need some glasses (but don’t get the LASIK because it will inevitable fail and you’ll end up in glasses again, only to have them broken by a little boy who thinks he’s Harry Potter, although he says “Scary Potter”, and you don’t know whether to laugh or cry when you see him with your twisted frame upon his head, but I digress.)

* * * * *

We are like dominoes.  Black and White. All falling for each other.

At least I feel like a domino with my dots visible to [you] all and my falling all over [this] life, making mistakes in how I fall, how fast or slow, but always able to be set back up on edge.  Only to fall over and over again. 

Yes, I do believe we are like dominoes.  White and Black.  I enjoy falling for you.

It’s ironic that a friend of mine sent me this song, last night, as I was trying to figure out how to introduce you to me.   If you know me, you know me, and I’m glad to know me, too.

Heads are turning
Each one is yearning
As the one they’re looking at turns away
Hearts are burning
Everything is churning
As the one they’re looking at is getting away
Oh we are like dominoes and we are falling
We’re dominoes and we’re falling head over our toes
And she’s falling for him
And he’s falling for me
And I am falling for somebody else
Who’s falling for you
Oh we are falling like dominoes
Oh we’re falling way too fast
Minds are dreaming each time
Believing that you’ll appear on my doorstep
Maybe today? Maybe today?
Hands are praying
Don’t you hear what I’m saying
Oh I tell you if you borrow me that kind of love
No I won’t run away
I say we’re dominoes and we’re falling head over our toes
Oh we’re falling way too fast
And if I had, oh, one wish it would be to be back
Up on my toes and I would fall as you fall
And turn around
And we would fall down nose to nose
Not like dominoes that are falling
And are falling all in one row now
I say we’re dominoes
And we’re falling head over our toes
And she’s falling for him
And he’s falling for me
And i am falling for somebody else
Who’s falling for you
Oh we are falling like dominoes
Oh we are falling like dominoes
Oh and how I wish
Oh how I wish we were
Oh falling
Oh nose to nose

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