Why You Should Always Monitor the Books Your Kid Checks Out at the Library!

I can’t quite remember where we were going, but I remember that Davey was napping and the kids were having some reading time. I think we were going to co-op. Yeah, that’s it; we were going to co-op, but I digress.

The kids were all on the couches, reading, and I was upstairs getting ready. All of a sudden I heard someone running up the stairs. I peeked out of my bathroom and it was Mikey.

Mama! This is the most disgusting book in the whole wide world!”

“What is it, Mikey?”

“I don’t know? Some book that BENNY took out from the library. It’s disgusting and you should take it back and tell them to never let anyone rent it again!”

“Mikey. It can’t be that bad. What’s the title?”

My Mom’s Having a Baby and it’s disgusting. Come and see!” {puking sounds}

At this point I was a little worried about what I was going to find in this “My Mom’s Having a Baby” book. I followed Mikey to the living room.

“Mama,” Livey said, “Benny got this book out and it’s kinda gross. Here. Read it!”

Benny innocently said, “I just took it out because you had a baby and I thought I’d like it!”

I took the book and started flipping through the pages. The book was about a girl named Elizabeth and how you couldn’t tell by looking at her mom, but inside her was a little tiny baby growing. How her mom ate good food for the baby.  How she took care of their health by going to a doctor every month. Yadda, yadda, yadda.   Then one night Elizabeth wonders, “how did that baby get in Mom’s tummy?”

Enter gross. Enter disgusting. Enter Mishelle’s gonna have some explaining to do.

My face grew red hot. I closed the book carefully, went to the table, picked up my cell phone, said I’ll be right back, and went out the front door to call Michael.

“Dude. Our kids just found out how babies are made?”


“A book!”

“A book?”

“Yes, a freakin’ book! Benny took out a book from the library called “My Mom’s Having a Baby” and IT. SHOWS. EVERYTHING.”


“Yes, everything! Like, my mom and dad love each other so much that, at night, they cuddle and kiss, under the covers, naked, and then my dad’s penis goes into my mom’s vagina and a GOOEY liquid comes out and that’s how he knocks her up. Yes. Totally explicit. What do I do?”

“They told it like that?”

“Well, not exactly, but you know?! They even had hearts coming up from the mom and dad. THE DAD WAS ON TOP, YO!  Seriously. They so know.”

“Well, you’re gonna have to go in there and tell them about it now.”

“I know, I know.”

I hung up with the guy who put his penis into my vagina on more than one night and trudged back into the house.

I sat down. And sighed, “Guys. I wanna talk to you about that book.”

“What book?” Mikey asked.

“The book you thought was disgusting. Look, that book talks about the way babies are made. I just want to talk to you about it to see if you have any questions. Because, that’s how a baby IS made.”

“Are you sure?”
“Mama, tell the truth!”

“No guys, really,” and I continued to tell them about the love mamas and papas have for each other, and the love they make, and the biology of it all, and the penis and the vagina, and how you have to be much, much, MUCH older to have [sex].

“Do you guys have any questions?”

Mikey and Livey shook their heads no.

Benny however looked at me, cocked his head to the side, and said, “Mama, are you really telling the truth? Is that how a baby gets inside of a mom?”

“Yes, Benny, it’s true! All true.”

“Ugh. Mama. Couldn’t you just lie to us? That’s just SO disgusting.”

Moral of the Story: Check the books your children are getting at the library. You never know when you’ll have some explaining to do.

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30 Responses to “Why You Should Always Monitor the Books Your Kid Checks Out at the Library!”
  1. 01.15.2009

    I’m going to just say THANK YOU for the warning and wish away the images of hearts, penises and vaginas. Cartoon style.

  2. 01.15.2009

    oh the plus side, they’ve been put off sex for awhile….

  3. 01.15.2009

    this made me roar with laughter, of course until I realized how you had been forced to explain it to all of them at once. There is a good moral here!

  4. 01.15.2009

    I love how you called THAT guy!!

  5. So I’ve been meaning to check out your blog from the link over at Flickr. Today was the day.
    I woke up my husband from laughing so hard but I really do feel for you since you were put on the spot and forced to tell them the whole truth and nothing but the mama truth.

    As a homeschooling mom for the past 6 1/2 years I feel you on this one. The book that made me slam my head against the fridge actually taught my kids how to grow great pot plants. UGH.

    Love your blog. You’re on my Most Wanted list now. Have a great day.

  6. 01.15.2009

    Oh Wow! Thanks for the tip! Not the way you had envisioned having “the talk” with them, eh?!

  7. 01.15.2009

    Our library in town has four copies of the Kama Sutra. (Our Library Director, God love her, is a die hard liberal, in a town where everybody except me is a Republican. Oh, and her. She’s not a Republican, either.) Anyway, those four copies are NEVER on the shelf. They are always checked out, and according to the holds on the book, they will be for the next two years. So far.

  8. Elizabeth

    WoW! That’s so great. Soooooooo great! LOL!

  9. OMG, mortified!! I would’ve waited until my hubby came home to explain the whole thing. You are so brave! I am so Kirtsy’ing this.

  10. 01.15.2009

    i love this your spot!!!!

  11. Oh my friggin HAHA!

    “Couldn’t you just LIE to us?” That’s the best.

  12. 01.15.2009

    Whew. Thanks for the heads up.

    But I too chuckled that they just wanted you to lie to them. Classic.

  13. 01.15.2009

    That was hilarious, Mishi. So glad I wasn’t in your shoes, and the last part about “couldn’t you just LIE to us” would have made me spit coffee on my monitor if I had some. I need coffee. ;)

  14. 01.15.2009

    OH! EEK!


    Boy I sure hope that conversation can wait with our kids for a few years.

  15. 01.15.2009

    HOly COW! nothing like being just thrown to the wolves all unprepared and all. eeeeekkkkk…I’m proud of you mama!

  16. 01.15.2009

    OMG! A CHILDREN’S book?!?! Nice.

  17. 01.15.2009

    too funny.

    well, I guess you can check that one off the list.

  18. 01.15.2009

    “Ugh. Mama. Couldn’t you just lie to us? That’s just SO disgusting.” – I was laughing so much when I read this. This sounds like something my Monkeyboy would say. Too funny!

  19. 01.15.2009

    i am currently wiping diet dr. pepper off my computer monitor.

    “couldn’t you just lie to us?”

    omg…. bwahahahahahahahahahahahaa

  20. 01.15.2009

    PMSL!! I enjoyed that!!
    I’m SO SO glad I haven’t had to explain yet, but to be honest I had thought that a book was a good idea :)

  21. 01.15.2009

    Tramatic for you, but a funny story for the rest of us. I have a couple of *I wish I had read that first stories also*. Now you know.

  22. LeisureSuitLarry

    Whether it’s an MTV video, SNL or some stupid “Lame, Lusty Housewives, Sexinsomecity sitcom or whatever, media smut is everywhere. Finding an errant book here and there merely provides an opportunity to be a parent…whether you like it or not. incidentally, the game isn’t over and your “birds and bees gig” isn’t blown. There are going to be multiple, multiple opportunities that present themselves to have open and frank, and very uncomfortable discussions with your children. You’ll both grow from the experiences. And remember, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

  23. 01.15.2009

    I’m not your average parent, Larry. And of course the gig isn’t up.

  24. 01.16.2009

    The ONLY way this story could have been funnier would have been if you came down later that night and one of the boys was sleeping on the couch because he had an accident…:P

  25. 01.16.2009

    I do have a story ZJ, but it was during a scene in Armageddon. That’s all I’m sayin.

  26. 01.16.2009

    LOL! I love how your son wanted you to lie to him. I fully expect Dorian to say that to me, too, when the time comes.

  27. 01.16.2009

    I’ll be sending Alexis over in a few years so that you can read that book to her, OK? Better you than me.

  28. 01.16.2009

    LOL. That is just too funny. I had to tell my son when he was in 5th grade, he thought it was disgusting as well. Now he’s almost 15, and I’m getting the feeling he doesn’t think it’s disgusting any more.

  29. I am still laughing that somehow he managed to get that by you. And, of course, Daddy Dearest made you enlighten. Such a man thing.

  30. 01.18.2009


    Best. Story. Ever. EVVVVVVER.

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